


Cheaper by the Faction

by JasonVoorhees



Category: The Transformers (Cartoon Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Comedy, Crack, F/M, M/M, Megatron's about to fucking lose custody of the Decepticons, Optimus to everyone: I Am Your Dad Now, Shockwave just has a huge pathetic crush, Ultimate Dad Optimus Prime, he can't NOT adopt everybody, rated teen for language and mentions of abuse, this is basically crack, to be fair half the g1 episodes can pass as crack, totally one-sided shockwave/megatron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28843965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JasonVoorhees/pseuds/JasonVoorhees
Summary: Optimus Prime has had it up to here with Megatron's shit, and he's going to end the war once and for all-- by adopting every single Decepticon.
Relationships: Ironhide/Optimus Prime, Jetfire | Skyfire/Starscream (Transformers), Marissa Faireborn/Thundercracker
Comments: 21
Kudos: 92





	Cheaper by the Faction

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place right after TFTM 1986, except nobody died. Unicron just made Galvatron out of whatever garbage he had lying around (he used high-quality materials for Cyclonus and the Sweeps, of course, just not dead Decepticons)

Optimus slowly onlined his optics. The first thing he saw was his husband’s handsome face looming over him.

“How are ya feeling, Prime?” Ironhide asked, concerned.

“Much better, now that I can see you,” Optimus said brightly.

“Aw, Prime,” Ironhide said. “You big sap. I’m sure happy you’re awake, though.” He gave Optimus a quick kiss and helped him sit up.

Optimus looked around. He was in the medbay, and several of the other beds were occupied as well. Prowl, Wheeljack, and heavens, even Ratchet. They were watching and smiled when he looked around at them. “Is everyone all right?” he asked.

“Little worse for the wear, but yeah,” Wheeljack replied. “It was quite a fight.”

Optimus nodded. “Yes, I recall. What did I miss?”

Ironhide crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. “Lordy, where to start. Well, that monster planet guy, Unicron, ended up gobblin’ down Cybertron’s moonbases. Fortunately everyone was able to evacuate in time, and the Decepticons ran off. Now there’s one of Unicron’s minions or something trying to boss them around. Heard he and Megatron were havin’ a row.”

“Odd,” said Optimus, “but go on.”

“Well, they seem to be hidin’ out on a planet called Chaar. Hot Rod, Arcee, and Kup ought to be back soon with more info.”

No sooner had he said that then those three exact bots came barreling into the medbay. “Optimus!” they all cried, gathering around and trying to hug him.

“Settle down, he just woke up!” Ironhide shooed them away.

“Right, right.” They backed off and proceeded to give Optimus a report on what was going down at Chaar. “Basically,” said Kup, “They have several wounded as well, and practically no resources. Most of them are so low on energon they can’t do much but sit around. We saw Astrotrain going back and forth, but he didn’t seem to bring much back.”

Optimus frowned. “And what is Megatron doing to remedy that?”

“Nothing,” Kup said. “He seems to spend all his time arguing with the new guy, Galvatron.”

Optimus sat in silence for several minutes, then stood up. “Unacceptable.”

Ironhide immediately stood as well, putting a hand on Optimus’ side to make sure he was stable. “Well, Prime, he’s never been the most caring bot.”

“I know,” Optimus said, “But he used to _try_ to keep his troops fueled.” He stalked out of the medbay.

“Optimus, where are you going?” Ratchet called.

“I’m calling Megatron!” came the reply.

Megatron was not pleased to receive a call from Optimus (and all the other bots who’d tagged along). “What do you want, Prime!” he bellowed. “I’m busy!”

“Megatron,” Optimus said sternly, “I understand that the Decepticons are extremely low on resources.”

“So!” A piece of metal came flying from behind Megatron and clocked him in the head. “I’ll kill you!” Megatron shouted at the offender.

“That was Galvatron,” said Shockwave helpfully. He was hovering next to Megatron, only half visible on the screen. “He’s awful. I don’t like him at all.”

“Shut up, Shockwave,” Megatron snarled.

“Yes, Lord Megatron,” Shockwave said sadly.

“Anyway,” Megatron said to Optimus, “What do you care?”

“I’ve been told that you’re not making efforts to provide them with proper sustenance.”

“They can find their own damn energon,” Megatron scoffed. “It’s not your business how I treat my troops.”

Optimus frowned. “I’m merely concerned. We’ve always been at odds, but I wouldn’t wish death on any of them.”

“You think I’m starving them to death?” Megatron said, shooting at someone off-screen. “What if I do? I can beat them all half to death if I want and it’s still not your business.”

“Um, speaking of,” Shockwave said meekly. “We’re almost out of medical supplies, Lord Megatron.”

“Shockwave, I told you to shut up. I’m hoping Starscream succumbs to his injuries anyway.” Megatron addressed Optimus. “You can fuck off, Prime.” The screen went dark.

“Wow,” said Marissa Faireborne, who was one of the people who’d followed Optimus to the communication console. “What a bastard. Does he really not care about any of them?”

Optimus was aghast. “He’s letting them starve, and beating them too? He’s _abusing_ them!”

Marissa looked up at Optimus, curious. “What are you going to do? Call Child Protective Services?”

Optimus straightened up and puffed out his chest. “My dear Marissa—” he began.

“Uh oh, here we go,” Ironhide said quietly.

“—I _am_ Child Protective Services.”

Ironhide facepalmed. “Prime…”

“Ironhide,” Optimus said, and Ironhide could already tell that Optimus’ mind was completely made up. “We have to end this. I’ve had enough. We’re going to Chaar and collecting every single Decepticon and they’re going to come live with us.”

“We can damn well give it a shot, I suppose,” Ironhide sighed. “Prime, you are really somethin’. But lord do I love you.”

Optimus decided that he was going to leave right away. Ironhide decided he was going, of course, and Marissa said she would too (“So I’ll know what we’re going to be dealing with, since you are bringing them all back to Earth.”), as well as Skyfire. Optimus didn’t want to bring too many people, since he _was_ trying to go behind Megatron’s back.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Marissa asked.

“Unfortunately, I believe it’s the only way,” Optimus said. “I know Megatron won’t give up custody without a fight.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t take Sky Lynx, then,” Ironhide pointed out.

“I _beg_ your pardon!” Sky Lynx said loudly. “I am _perfectly_ capable of being stealthy, thank you very much!” Ironhide just gave him a Look.

“I will hold you to that, Sky Lynx,” Optimus told him.

They all boarded and had barely left the atmosphere before Sky Lynx started complaining. “Why do I have to carry Skyfire too? He’s a shuttle, he can fly on his own!”

“Is that so?” Ironhide said. “We can turn around right now and drop you back at Earth. And that’s exactly what we’re _gonna_ do if you don’t quit your whinin’.”

“No!” said Sky Lynx, and managed to keep his complaints to quiet grumbles for the rest of the trip.

Optimus was not happy when they arrived on Chaar. “This whole planet looks dead!” he exclaimed. “Why would Megatron bring all the Decepticons here? It’s nothing but barren rocks and… what are those, acid baths?”

“It sure don’t seem very hospitable,” Ironhide agreed. He squinted into the distance. “Is that a bot _in_ the acid baths over there?”

“It is,” Skyfire said. “Some purple bot. Well, two of them, one’s standing beside the baths with a towel. Oh, and it looks like Megatron is over there throwing rocks at them.”

“I reckon that’s Galvatron and his lieutenant,” Ironhide said.

“Excellent,” Optimus said. “Let’s go get the Decepticons while they’re distracted. Sky Lynx, wait here and keep an eye on them please.”

They all hurried off as quietly as possible, and shortly came upon the Combaticons and coneheads sitting around.

“Oh no,” said Ramjet when he spotted them, but none of the Decepticons made a move to get up.

“Hello!” Optimus said, holding his palms out to them. “We’re not here to fight.”

“Oh, good,” said Onslaught, who sounded half asleep. “We couldn’t fight you even if we wanted to.” He paused. “We _do_ want to, of course.” There was a chorus of mumbling agreement.

Optimus was already concerned. “When was the last time any of you fueled?”

Thrust’s optics blinked slowly, unfocused. “Uh… I dunno.”

“So Megatron really ain’t finding energon for y’all, huh,” Ironhide said, and the Decepticons tiredly shook their heads.

“Absolutely despicable,” Optimus said, disgusted. “Well, I’ve come to Chaar for one reason and one reason only—to help you. I don’t believe Megatron has anyone’s interests in mind but his own, and frankly he’s doing the opposite of caring for you. I’d like to remedy that and end this once and for all. Please accompany us back to Earth.”

“Hah?” Swindle tilted his head. “You want us to be Autobots? No way.”

“You don’t have to be Autobots,” Optimus assured him. “I’ll look after you either way. But I can’t stand by and watch Megatron mistreat you any longer.”

“So if we go with you, you’ll give us energon?”

“I shall make sure you never go hungry again,” Optimus said confidently.

The Decepticons exchanged glances and shrugged. “He ain’t wrong about Megatron,” Blast Off said. “And the new guy’s even worse.” They all nodded in agreement. “Why not.”

“Wonderful!” Optimus said. “Skyfire, would you please show them to Sky Lynx and then catch back up with us?”

“Of course, Optimus,” Skyfire said, his optics scanning the area. “I’ll comm you to see where you are.”

“We’ll tell you as soon as we find Starscream,” Marissa assured him. Skyfire happily thanked her and headed off with the Decepticons in tow.

The next group they encountered was Blitzwing, Astrotrain, and three of Soundwave’s cassettes. They, too, were sitting around looking miserable. The cassettes were in a sad little pile; Ravage was on the ground and Rumble had draped himself across her back, Ratbat perched on top of him.

“Don’t you all look like a bunch of sad sacks,” Ironhide said sympathetically.

“We don’t have any energy,” Blitzwing said wearily. “Please don’t attack us.”

“We might have _some_ if Astrotrain had saved us some cubes,” Rumble muttered.

“I didn’t get any either,” Astrotrain protested.

“You had some energon?” Optimus asked.

“I scrounged up about six cubes,” Astrotrain said. “It took me two days. But as soon as I got back the Predacons grabbed them all.”

“You’re so dumb,” Ravage groaned. “Why didn’t you at least eat some on the way back?”

“Oh,” said Astrotrain. “I didn’t think of that.”

“Two days?” Optimus said. “Is anyone else gathering energon?” The Decepticons shook their heads. Optimus was visibly angry, and he gave them the same proposal he’d given the other group.

“So… we could stay with you?” Blitzwing asked. Optimus nodded. “And we’d have energon and stuff?” Another nod.

“And,” Astrotrain added, “you won’t hit us for no reason?”

“Primus!” Optimus said, horrified. “Absolutely not!”

“Ok, we’re in,” Blitzwing decided.

“And you three?” Marissa asked the cassettes.

“We gotta ask Soundwave,” Rumble said. He rolled off Ravage, dumping Ratbat on the ground. “He’s in the med building with the seekers.”

“All right, we’ll go there next,” Optimus said, quickly comming Skyfire to let him know. “Can you show us where it is?”

“Yeah,” said Ravage. None of the cassettes moved.

“We’re really tired,” Ratbat said. “You’ll have to carry us.”

“Very well,” Optimus said. He scooped up Ravage with one arm and Rumble with the other. Ironhide picked up Ratbat, and they continued on.

The med building wasn’t really a building so much as a half-collapsed ruin. Skyfire caught up with the group right when they reached it, and inside they found Starscream, Skywarp, and Thundercracker laying haphazardly on the floor.

“Oh shit,” said Skywarp when the Autobots came in, but didn’t move.

“God, shut up,” Starscream said. He turned his head to see who was there “Ugh. Are those hostages?”

“No,” Rumble said. “We’re just looking for Soundwave.”

“Too bad,” Skywarp said. “I thought maybe we’d finally be free of you annoying little shits.”

“You’re an annoying shit,” Starscream said. “But please, keep on wasting your energy.”

“Your whole existence is a waste of energy,” Skywarp retorted.

“At least I do it well,” Starscream shot back. “When was the last time you did anything but grovel at Megatron’s feet?”

“You bastard, take that back!” Skywarp gasped.

“Make me,” Starscream sneered.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Thundercracker finally spoke up. “Would you guys stop? Who’s there, anyway?”

“Are you stupid?” Skywarp grumbled. “Can’t you see them?”

“I offlined my optics to conserve energy,” Thundercracker explained.

“It’s Optimus and some dumb Autobots,” Starscream said, narrowing his optics at the group. “And an extra-mean shuttle.”

“Starscream,” Skyfire said dejectedly.

“Don’t talk to me!” Starscream said, looking away. “We’re fighting!”

“We are?”

“You’re an Autobot, you big dummy.”

“Oh. Right. Well, we’re here to maybe stop the fighting.” Skyfire took a few hopeful steps towards Starscream.

“Don’t come over here,” Starscream warned, although he wasn’t very intimidating, lying on the floor. “Explain what you want or get out.”

“All righty,” Ironhide said, “We’re here to take all the Decepticons away from Megatron.”

“What?” Starscream said angrily. “That’s _my_ job!”

“We’re not overthrowing him,” Optimus explained. “The idea was just to sneak all of you off the planet.”

“Optimus is appalled at how Megatron treats you,” Marissa explained.

“Hah! Join the club,” Starscream said.

Soundwave entered the building then, and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Optimus and Ironhide holding his cassettes. He immediately aimed his blaster at them. “Put them down. Now.”

“Of course,” Optimus said hurriedly, gently setting Rumble and Ravage on the ground. Ironhide just walked over and handed Ratbat right to Soundwave.

Soundwave looked suspiciously at all the Autobots, slowly lowering his blaster. “What is happening.”

“Optimus says he’s gonna adopt us,” Rumble said. The blaster went right back up.

“And you too, big guy!” Ironhide said. “We aren’t looking at take away anyone’s kids.”

“Well, just Megatron’s,” Marissa corrected. “All of you, basically.”

“Wait,” Rumble said, “Would that make you our grandpa?”

Optimus brightened. “If Soundwave is all right with it, yes.”

“So if Soundwave tells us we can’t do something, you’ll let us do it anyway?”

“Oh, ah, I suppose,” Optimus started.

“Hey!” Soundwave said, sounding unusually put out.

“It depends on what it is!” Optimus said. “I don’t know how strict he is with you.”

“He’s not,” said the seekers on the floor. “At _all_ ,” Thundercracker added.

Soundwave glanced between the Autobots and seekers. “Explain.” Optimus launched into his explanation, reiterating that he intended to treat them all as best as he possibly could.

Soundwave was silent once Optimus finished, and when he didn’t say anything for several minutes Starscream piped up snarkily, “He’s too loyal to _Lord_ Megatron.”

“Bitch, we’ve _all_ been following him,” Skywarp said.

“No, I’ve been trying to usurp him,” Starscream said. “There’s a difference between being a proactive go-getter and being a sniveling little piss baby like you.”

“Shut the fuck up,” said Skywarp. “I’ll fucking kill you.”

“Get over here and try it,” Starscream sneered. “I dare you.”

“Oh, I will.” Skywarp started slowly dragging himself across the floor.

“We will go with you,” Soundwave told Optimus, ignoring the seekers. “I cannot continue to be loyal to Megatron when he is putting my cassettes’ well-being at risk.”

“Fantastic!” Optimus said happily. “Sky Lynx is here—”

“I’m aware,” Soundwave interrupted. “I heard him arrive. We will see you there.” He opened his tape deck, helped Rumble, Ravage, and Ratbat inside, and left.

“Hmph,” said Starscream. “Is that your plan? Steal all the Decepticons so I have no choice but to go along?”

“Of course not,” Optimus said. “Well, yes, my plan _is_ to steal all the Decepticons, but the purpose is to look after you properly. Have you decided to come along?”

“I don’t need looking after,” Starscream scoffed.

“The hell you don’t,” Skywarp said. He’d only gotten halfway to Starscream before giving up and lying down again.

“Say,” Thundercracker drowsily, “Who’s the other Autobot? I don’t recognize one of your voices.”

“That’s probably mine,” Marissa said. “I’m Marissa.”

“Hi, Marissa,” Thundercracker said. “That’s a nice name. You sound nice. Are you single?”

Skywarp groaned. “Thundercracker, you idiot, that’s a human.”

“Oh.” Thundercracker turned on his optics and blinked blearily, focusing on Marissa. “Sorry. Are you single, though?”

“Oh my fucking god,” Skywarp said. “He’s losing it.”

“Well, he hasn’t fueled in over a week,” Starscream said.

“Neither have you,” Skywarp said.

“Neither have _you_ ,” Starscream retorted. Neither of them seemed to notice Optimus and Skyfire’s growing horror.

“A week?” Skyfire squeaked. “Oh, Star!”

“Don’t you ‘oh, Star’ me—” Starscream began, but abruptly stopped, his whole demeanor changing in a matter of seconds. “Shit. Megatron’s coming.”

No sooner had he said that then Megatron burst through the doorway, his fusion cannon immediately pointing to Optimus. “Prime!” he bellowed. “What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?!”

Optimus didn’t flinch. “I’m taking custody of the Decepticons.”

“Absolutely not!” Megatron shouted.

“I wanna go, though,” Thundercracker mumbled.

“Shut up, you stupid seeker, or I’ll blow your damn head off!” Megatron screamed.

Starscream laughed from the floor. “You’re such a great motivator, Megatron. Truly the _epitome_ of leadership.”

“Starscream,” Megatron fumed. “I thought you’d be dead by now. Let me just hurry you along.” He swung his cannon around to point it at Starscream.

Before anyone could blink, Optimus had positioned himself between Megatron and Starscream. “Don’t you touch him, Megatron,” Optimus said sternly. “This ends now.”

“I’ll shoot through you, Prime!” Megatron screeched, but before he could say anything else Ironhide and Skyfire both whipped out their blasters and fired.

Megatron toppled over, smoke leaking from his seams.

“Oh shit,” said Skywarp. “He dead?”

“Naw,” said Ironhide. “Unfortunately. We better pick up the pace on our Decepticon collectin’ before he wakes up.”

Optimus looked down at Starscream, who was staring at him quizzically. “Have you made up your mind, Starscream?”

Starscream glanced at Megatron, smoking on the floor, then at Ironhide and Skyfire, then back to Optimus. “Yes,” he said. “I’ll go.”

“Oh, Star!” Skyfire exclaimed happily.

“Yeah, yeah,” Starscream said. He reached out towards Skyfire and made grabby hands. “I can’t get up. Carry me.”

Skyfire swooped Starscream up in his arms and squeezed him gleefully. “Ow!” Starscream said. “We’re all injured, you know!”

“Sorry,” Skyfire said, and pressed a quick kiss to Starscream’s mouth. Starscream was so surprised he stopped talking altogether.

“No fair!” Thundercracker wailed. “I want to go too!”

“You can,” Optimus assured him.

“But I can’t get up either! Can Marissa carry me?”

“No, Thundercracker. You’re ten times her size.”

“Oh.” Thundercracker frowned.

“Not to worry,” Optimus assured him. “Can you transform? We’ll push you along.”

“Yeah!” Thundercracker transformed. Skywarp muttered something about being undignified, but he transformed too.

A gasp came from the doorway, and they all turned to see Shockwave looking down at Megatron. “Lord Megatron!” He cried. “Oh, dear! I’ll get you fixed up, I swear.” He started puttering around looking for any medical tools he could find.

“Er, Shockwave,” Optimus said.

“Don’t bother,” Skywarp interrupted. “He’s so in love with that buckethead that he can’t even see straight. No way he’ll leave.”

Shockwave spun around, sputtering. “Love! Ha, ha! I’m not in love with Megatron, what are you talking about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Skywarp said sarcastically. “Maybe those ten thousand love letters that were stored in your database on Cybertron?”

Shockwave gave an indignant shriek. “Those were _private!_ ”

“Disgusting,” Starscream said. He jabbed a finger towards the exit. “Let’s go already!”

Optimus and the others had a fairly easy time convincing the remaining Decepticons to accompany them, simply by telling them how many had already agreed. The only ones who stayed (besides Megatron and Galvatron) were Shockwave, Cyclonus, Scourge, and the sweeps. Optimus made sure they knew it was an open offer and they were welcome to come if they changed their minds.

When they arrived back at Autobot City, Kup and Ultra Magnus were waiting, and they were amazed that Optimus had actually succeeded.

“I’m not positive we got room for all of them,” Kup said as Optimus proudly ushered his newly adopted children into the city. “Might have to double up rooms while we get it worked out.”

“I’m with Skyfire!” Starscream yelled.

“Ohh, can I stay with Marissa?” Thundercracker gasped.

“I don’t think my room’s big enough, buddy,” Marissa said, stifling a laugh. “Why don’t you let Ratchet and First Aid fix you up and see how you feel about it then?”

Thundercracker agreed, and they _all_ went to the medbay, much to Ratchet’s dismay. “Optimus, why didn’t you warn me that you were bringing back forty-plus malnourished bots? I’m going to have to set up another three rooms for all these patients!”

Optimus apologized profusely and immediately recruited everyone he could find to help get the Decepticons treated, fueled, and settled in.

By that evening they still hadn’t figured out rooming for everyone, but most of them were going to have to stay under Ratchet’s supervision for several days anyway. Optimus retired to his and Ironhide’s room, exhausted but very pleased.

“Come on, Prime, you look like you’re about to fall over,” Ironhide said. He guided Optimus to their bed and deposited him into it.

“I am very tired,” Optimus said. He gazed fondly at Ironhide. “Thank you, Ironhide, for going along with me.”

“Aw, Prime,” Ironhide said, climbing in beside his husband. “You know I’ll always support you. You got a damn big heart. Part of the reason I love you.”

Optimus leaned over to touch their foreheads together. “You do too. I love you more than I think I can express.”

Optimus’ comm link beeped, making them both jump. “Hey, Optimus?” Kup’s voice came through.

Optimus tried not to sigh. “Yes, Kup?”

“Just letting you know, Megatron’s on the line. Wants to talk to you.”

“Hm,” said Optimus. “Well, tell him too bad. And hang up on him for me.”

“It would be my absolute pleasure,” Kup replied. “Have a good night, Optimus.”

“I shall,” Optimus replied. “Good night, Kup.” He turned off his comm link and rolled over, wrapping his arms around Ironhide.

“I’ll tell the fucker off tomorrow for you,” Ironhide said, kissing Optimus’ faceplate.

“Mmm, thank you,” Optimus said, nuzzling Ironhide’s shoulder. “Love you.” Two seconds later he’d slipped into recharge. Ironhide laughed softly. Taking care of all the Decepticons was no doubt going to be an interesting and undoubtedly difficult endeavor. But if anyone could make it work, it was Optimus Prime.

**Author's Note:**

> Optimus was actually already a great-grandpa, since Wheeljack is technically the Aerialbots' grandpa


End file.
